These Words given by My Father Which Helped Me when I became a New Parent

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of being a father.

Yet the truth rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver as well as caring for their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You're not in a good spot. You require some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now better used to addressing the pressure on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a larger inability to open up between men, who still absorb damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time."

"It's not a show of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the space to take a pause - going on a few days abroad, outside of the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that allowed you to feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, socialising or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the stability and emotional support he lacked.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I think my job is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."